Preparation

I'm getting ready for a lot of things...moving, being in a same-sex marriage in a state it's not legally recognized, family time, friend time, apartment/job hunting... The ceremony was beautiful. Short and sweet. Small and comfortable. I didn't get to wear the clear shoes, but the white ones were on sale. Lobster roll. Portuguese feast. It's been fun. But now I must prepare for the brunt force of moving back across the country. Two months ago I wasn't thinking I would see the fields of dirt surrounding Denver City so soon. Now they're rushing toward me at the speed of sound. I'm leaving this place that I've loved for a warmer friendlier place I've always hated. It snows here. I love that. The cold has a way of making everything more still. Less people go out when it's frozen. I love being alone in the ice, it's beautiful. If I were a villain, I'd totally be the Ice Queen from The Chronicles of Narnia. Maybe not...she was a poon, and The Golden Compass was a way awesomer movie. Anywho, I'd probably be some sort of ice/snow/cold stuff villain. My weapon would be like a cello made entirely of ice with the sound of a beautiful death screech that exploded the heads of all who heard it...except mine of course. I would be an awesome villain! Maybe I'll write that story. Anyways, I'm happy with the way things are. Even if I have to leave to go somewhere not pleasant. At least I have friends there and I have Amy. Yes. This will be an adventure.

Perpetual State of Delusion

I have a strong interest in mental disorders. Sometimes I stop and wonder if all of the people I see in a day are really there. I wonder if my mind invents people, environments, conversations, etc. It's unrealistic to believe that everything I perceive in any given day is real/true. The human mind falsifies seemingly useless details and people put a lot of assumption on other's actions. Does this mean we all live in a perpetual state of delusion? I get so caught up in everything that I waste my time suspended. I don't know what to do so I do nothing. I know the first step is to get out, do something...anything. I lose motivation. There is something to be said about the dual nature of things. I love going for walks in the snow but I hate coming in wet. It's not good or bad, it's just what it is. Today I talked to Amy on the phone. After we hung up, I wondered if my mind had made up the whole thing. A few years ago I had a pretty traumatic relationship/breakup. Since I met Amy, I've often wondered if she could possibly be a figment of my imagination. Some way to deal with the trauma I went through during and after my past relationship. Trying to prove that Amy really exists would be near impossible if my mind created her. My perceptions would be altered, maybe even to the point of making up other people to interact with her, which would keep me in the dark about the "reality" of her. I know this is improbable...but it's possible. It's really strange to think that everything I assume to be real could be a complete sham. But I guess it's not a sham since I have no reason to doubt my own perceptions. Or maybe it is. I don't know. I could go on and on and never really know. Is it ok to believe that anything is possible? Or to feel like something is horribly wrong with "reality"? Like thinking that it might not be REAL? I feel weird and out of control.

Death and Taxes

Fired. Rehired. Resigned.

SO I got a job...

Last week I started training at a new job. I'm going to be an awake overnight supervisor...so 3 nights a week I'll be up from 9:00 p.m.--9:00 a.m. doing bed checks and documenting bathroom breaks. The hours aren't so bad...it's just kinda boring. I mean I've always wanted a night job and this is great except that I can't really do anything but read and walk around, maybe do some puzzles. They don't allow cell phones to be on. Maybe I can take my ipod and play games. The other night I did my first overnight with a veteran worker and I nodded off a couple of times which I don't think will be a problem once I get off of the wacky training schedule and into a routine. I'm going to have to find ways to keep myself doing something instead of just sitting there and trying to read in the dim soothing lights. It's not that bad...just boring. It has definitely renewed my passion for music and creation because I feel like I'm leaving this cycle I've been in. I know I don't want to work jobs like this, I want to work in music. SO while I have this job, I'm going to take the opportunity to start marketing myself and getting out there more. Good luck to me :-D

Dr. Horrible is here!

I pre-ordered the Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog DVD a few weeks ago. It was supposed to arrive on the 26th but wonderful amazon.com actually got it to me on the 24th! First off, I absolutely LOVE Joss Whedon. Dr. Horrible is just another piece of Joss' mind I would love to visit. The characters he writes always seem like my friends...like people I hang out with. I still feel most at home with Buffy on; no matter where I am, I am home with Buffy. Anywho, as the title suggests, Dr. Horrible is a musical. It follows the story of a villain who keeps a video blog as he tries to both gain acceptance into the Evil League of Evil, or ELE for short, and garner the affections of his laundromat crush, Penny. In usual Whedon fashion, emotions run the gamut throughout. At times it's halarious and absurd, other times it is at the depth of sadness. IT'S AWESOME! SO you can watch Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog online for free at http://drhorrible.com/. If you like it, buy stuff...shirts, cd's, dvd's. Every drop in the bucket helps these artists continue to make their art. On the DVD, there are a lot of special features and extras. One of the coolest commentaries I've ever heard can be found there as well. Basically they made an entirely musical commentary which is equally as awesome as the movie itself.

Off topic....or kind of on topic in a vague way...Last night, I had this really intense dream and Felicia Day was in it. (Felicia Day plays Penny in Dr. Horrible) Anyways, in my dream I was telling her how awesome she was in Dr. Horrible and Buffy and The Guild and it was really kind of exciting for me lol. How dorky to spend my dreams telling my heroes how much I love them haha.

Now if only I can get Amy to watch it with me :/.

Snow Days

It's been a while since I've posted. Things have been rather stressful with Amy getting ready for finals and such. It snowed the other day and here are some pics I took when I went out to scrape the car.




This is my car all covered in snow.




Here's some snow people and their little house I made on the front porch.



And this is just a picture of my block all snowed up!


I absolutely love snow. A few years ago, my cousin got married on Christmas and it just so happens that the day of her wedding it snowed like 4 inches. I mean the wedding was fun and stuff, but I left the reception just to go outside and take pictures of the snow. She had the wedding at the Yoakum County Park (in west Texas) in the party house. This park is a few miles outside of the town I grew up in. There's a small man-made lake in which they stock with fish every year. The golf course is also out there. Here's a map...


View Larger Map


So...the boonies! There are a few things I miss about that part of Texas. I miss the open space, but I do like trees. I miss being able to go somewhere and really be alone, as in no people for miles around. I miss the awesome fatty goodness of southern food. I don't miss the religious cultism, the people that insult you in an indirect way, and the gusty winds that always seem to be blowing sand at 90mph in your face. So if nobody lived there, I'd probably be OK living there...until I got the urge to swim in the ocean...or any type of natural body of water. Oh and I like snow...a lot of snow. And I really enjoy having 4 seasons throughout the year instead of just hot, windy, random freeze all in the same week. Oh and I like being out and proud too. Not that I'm closeted at home, my mom has finally started calling my partner my girlfriend in front of people. I just like it more when people don't care about your personal life so much. I'm not going home this Christmas, but I'm supposed to be going home sometime in the spring. Hopefully it will be a fun trip where I'll get to spend a lot of time alone out in the fields of dirt. And I'll get to eat some great Mexican food and visit my dog Buffy. Strategy: shoot from the hip and catch the plane...

Heartbreak #1

There are a lot of heartbreaking moments in my life that have most definitely made me a stronger woman. When I was in college I often made the hour and a half drive back to my home town to visit my parents and friends. A very good friend of mine and I would always meet at this park that was just on the outskirts of town. Hidden by a group of unnaturally implanted trees, it was a very private place to just hang out and escape the prying eyes and ears of small town gossipers. I had known this girl for 16 years at the time, seeing as to how we had met in day care at the tender age of 4. Needless to say, we had been through a lot together. I had officially come out as a lesbian to all of my friends six years before, and many of my close friends, including this one, had known longer than that. This particular friend had actually been known to sleep around with many different partners. She in fact was cheating on her fiancee with a few different guys at the time. This particular day we got on the topic of gay marriage. I'm not sure how or why but somehow we started talking about it. With said history of this friend of mine, she proceeded to tell me how she didn't think gay marriage was right. At first I was kind of stunned.

What? One of my friends is really saying this? To my face even? She does remember I'm gay right? Not to mention the fact that I had always been faithful to anyone I dated. Not that I felt morally better than her; my mind was trying to figure out what kind of backwards logic made it ok for her to stand on the bible about my sins without acknowledging her own from atop said bible. After my shock subsided, I felt a huge drop in the pit of my stomach. We had moved on to talking about gays having kids and again she was stabbing me with her kooky bible logic. The only words I remember her saying about both subjects were, "I just don't think it's right.". She doesn't know this, but that day forever changed our friendship. I haven't felt ok with her since. It's been about 4 years since that day. She's married now, and she even has a kid. I bought her a wedding gift and a little outfit for her baby. I didn't buy these things with love...I bought them with the hope that she will validate my relationships as equal to hers someday.

It's a lot to ask from her. Especially because I haven't even told her the way she has made me feel. For all I know she might have changed her mind by now. Probably not. I don't have a problem speaking my mind about the subject to people who don't know me. But my god, my best friend. I guess the sting is still there and I don't know how to not feel betrayed. Maybe I'll work up some courage and write her a letter. But for now we will refer to this as Heartbreak #1.